A friend showed me these lyrics written by an anonymous source and I super obviously had to share them (with permission). And so, to the tune of Lorde’s “Royals”, I hope this makes you crack up and weep like I did:
i’ve never seen a contract in the flesh
i subbed two books and got real drunk
on this whiskey
and i’m not proud of my requests
from a big six house
they’ll never read it
but every tweet’s like new deals
i don’t care
i’m just tearing out my goddamn hair
and i’ll never be published
it don’t run in my blood
the pm listings ain’t for us
i may eventually self-pub
there will never be book deals
my agent will fire me
and baby i’ll drink
(i’ll drink i’ll drink i’ll drink)
i will live that tragedy
my friends all seem to have cracked the code
major deals follow them around
and everyone who knows me knows
that i’m fine with it
i’ll just die a pauper
but everybody’s like
six figures and a movie
optioned for cable tv
i don’t care
i’m writing bestsellers in my dreams
and i’ll never be published…
so you want to know about publishing?
great! awesome! step into my parlor!
i love publishing! it’s awesome and fun (and by fun i mean fun if you enjoy stress and pressure and waking up with an aching jaw from grinding your teeth all night). i was lucky enough not to dive into publishing without any information, and i am a firm believer that preparation will save you about 75% of the angst. we are writers all and nothing will save you from the remaining 25. publishing, by its very nature, facilitates a lot of angst and frustration.
i am going to preface the informative part of this post with things that the reader must know: what i know and what i’ve learned is almost exclusively about kids publishing (kids being picture books, middle grade and young adult). i am told that genre publishing (sff, romance, erotica, etc) is not very different in terms of process, but i don’t know that for a fact. i WILL put in links that have resources to many of the things i don’t know about, because i want this post to be as inclusive as possible.
i know absolutely nothing about indie publishing. just thought i would put that out there. i know that it is hard, and that even those who are INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL, when give then choice go over to a publisher because being your own publisher is hard and takes up a lot of time, and let’s be real, most of us would rather be writing and not marketing.
also this post is about the business of publishing and not craft (i really really don’t think you want to take craft advice from me, haha). BUT it does assume that you have a polished draft (that means it has gone through revisions, and you have had betas/critique partners go over it and you have made it the best it could possibly be). everything outlined in this post should take place after you have produced a polished draft.
AND NOW ONTO THE STUFF